Dear England

Dear England,
We've been together for some time now, but I think there's something missing. I think you might be of the impression that I'm something I'm not and well, it's probably best for both of us if I'm just straigh to the point.
Some things I need you to know:

- I've never lived in Erinsborough, in fact, it doesn't even exist.


- Yes we pronounce our vowel sounds differently. It's not that funny.

- I can't do an Alf Stewart impersonation.

- Rolf Harris wasn't my high school teacher.


- I don't know the lady who got bitten by some spider, which then laid eggs which hatched from her head.


- There are sharks around the coast in Australia but we don't all get drunk and fight them.

- Kangaroos aren't that exciting.


- Surprisingly our standard of living is much better than it is in say, London.

- Australia is not comprised completely of desert and beaches.

- Not everyone lives in a corrugated iron shed.

- Wolf Creek is a fictional movie. 'Based on true events' doesn't mean shit. There's much nastier characters in England.


- Pubs in Australia are nothing like the Walkabout.

- INXS, Kylie, Jason Donovan and ACDC are not the only musicians from Australia.



Now onto you:

- Your streets smell like fart

- Your summer is what 90% of the world calls 'A cold winter'.

- Your concept of air conditioning has been labelled by some as 'Retardedly primitive'. By some, i mean me.


- Your fresh produce is misleadingly un-fresh.

- You have chain pubs. There was a better atmosphere in Auschwitz than there is in your local Wetherspoons.


- Generally your work ethic and service levels are appallingly low.


So, I guess what I'm trying to say, England, is don't assume I'm something i'm not. Also, pick up your act.

I hope we an work this out as I know you're not all that bad underneath.

Sincerely,

Jeremy

Dear Metronet/British Government.

You suck.
The both of you. Assholes.
Metronet, who maintain the tube lines over here in joyous London have gone on strike. I think it's over a payrise not being as high as initially suggested, or something to that effect.
I'm not talking about a delay on one afternoon either- This is a 3 day strike running until Thursday.
Surely the government could have stepped in at some stage and negotiated some kind of middleground, but they've allowed it to blow up into this.
Eitherway, I don't care. My tube lines aren't running anymore. And this is potentially as fatal as when a colostomy bag's tube lines aren't running. Eww.
Come to think of it there's probably more effluent in your average train carriage in London, than there is in a colostomy bag.

Anyways, what was a bearable 40 minute commute to work has now become a 1.5hr trek including much walking and two diferent overland trains. Or in the case of Charlotte last night, a 3.5hr journey spread over 3 buses and much walking.
Also, you can only imagine what the crush on the buses/trains/roads is like now.
Usually, it's a full sardine-tin setup of people jammed in, but now everyone is so jammed in, it's more like a Preswswurst situation or some kind of rank dog-food like 'Marrow in aspic' You know, the one where when you tip it out of the can and it comes out can-shaped with all the ridges and stuff still imprinted in it. Yeah, well that's what happens when the doors open on the bus- A big gelatinous blob of humans falls out the door, disassembles into fifteen people and they all head off to work.

The plus side is I'm going through places I didn't know existed. Frognal, for example.
I wonder if it was called Tadpolenal when it was just a village? Sorry, I suck. My puns are suffering at the hands of this stupid transport situation. Or more you're suffering my puns at the hands of this stupid transport situation.

This is a fair representation of the sentiment of most people in London. Caution: contains swearing, including multiple instances of the C and F words, although they are used in a most appropriate fashion.

The definitive list of junk for today

1. Old lady who left her dog 6 million pounds and left two of her grandchildren none, stating in her will that 'They would know why.' Bitter to the end. i want to steal her dog. And laugh at those two grandkids who probably told her that pot-pourri stinks or something trivial like that. Cop that! All they'll be able to afford is Pot-Poor-ie! Ha! Bam!

2. I have (somewhat) brown, short hair.

3. Spam makes me feel inadequate. Today i got one that said 'Join the Real Men's club' It was for penis pills. I remain an outsider of the 'Real Men's club'

4. Look at this guy:



Spam sometimes makes me feel extremely adequate.
Although that guy clearly is wearing a wedding ring... Puzzling. Imagine being married to the Spam guy. I bet he could 'Spice' up a relationship. Oh, z!ng.

5. Our new landlord reminds me of an high school art teacher. As in a little bit jilted and slightly high.

6. Balsamic sauce and soy sauce are stored in similar looking bottles. This is bad as adding balsamic to a stirfry really ruins the meal. I learnt this recently.

7. If you ignore people you don't like, they seldom go away. Unless they're trapped in quicksand. If you ignore them then, they'll definitely go away.

8. Vaccuum cleaners need to be emptied occasionally. The one at our new place blew up on the weekend. Upon closer inspection, the dust catcher had so much shit jammed in there, it looked like someone had rolled up a mattress and jammed it in. Likewise with the backup vaccuum... It too contained enough lint to fill a million fat men's bellybuttons.

9. Ikea in England is like AIDS in Africa. No matter where you go, there's some trace of Ikea in every house. We contributed to the epidemic recently (The Ikea one, not the AIDS one) by purchasing some of the more tasteful items they offer.

10. Being shat on by a bird is god's way of saying 'You look really nice, but I'm jealous.'


11. I should apologise for my terrible, terrible puns. Sorry

I have to go back to work now.

JC

Out of the shoebox and into.... the corpse?

Finally.
We're getting the hell out of our goddam shobox/bedroom/current house.

A new house has been found, 2 bedrooms, big lounge, awesome location, nice landlady who seals the lease with wine... It's got it all.
Moving in with Pinner and Lisa, which will be good- Nice to finally have good company. And a lounge room.
Planning trips to ikea and various other homewares places to give the new place a bit of a personal touch. Meaning, pictures and lamps and stuff, not 'in the pants' personal touch. Eww.
This shitty box-room we've been existing in is about 3m x 4m. There's a bed and a wardobe and a set of drawers. It's been our lounge room, dining room, bedroom, laundry...
We've been like insects stuck in a tiny little glass box that some fat little kid keeps tapping with his stubby little sausage fingers.

Which reminds me:
Some guy in Berlin got bitten by his pet Black Widow spider named Bettina.
He died, then some thing in his pet enclosure blew up, allowing snakes, tarantulas, termites and all manner of scary-ass creatures to escape. Police discovered his body '7-14 days' later, being eaten by these scary-ass creatures. And a gecko named Helmut. Yes, Helmut.
What the hell?!
Crazy germans. Killed by a spider called Bettina, then eaten by a bunch of evil creatures and a gecko called Helmut.
I think Helmut was probably a nice gecko-kid, but wasn't breastfed, or didn't get hugged enough or something. Before his parents knew it, he was hangin' with the 6-leggers. Then those bad-ass 8 leggers. Then before they knew it, little Helmut is tearing large strips of his owner and taking them back to the tarantulas to feast on. (Again, paraphrased from trusty English rag 'The Sun')

Global warming, terrorism, nuclear arms... These are all minor threats compared to the very real possibility of insect/arachnid death squads escaping their confines and eating whoever happens to die in front of them.

You remember that little green gecko in the Bridgestone ads? The ones with Brocky in them?
Next thing you know: Dead Brocky.
Put two and two together and I say Helmut's been a busy little Gecko.

Food

So this weekend, I ate an ostrich.
Not a whole one, but part of one. Part of one, or possibly parts of many that had then been squeezed through a mincer and made into a sausage.
Surprisingly tasty. Kind of like chicken, but a bit more gamey.
I was afforded the opportunity to partake in such fare at the Borough Market, which are these awesome little food markets near London Bridge.
Charlotte and I also did the week's fruit and veg shopping there and being the growing boy I am, I also had a Damascan Falafel which rated an 'awesome' on the taste-o-meter.
I also saw the weirdest method for making a toasted cheese sandwich, which basically involved taking half a wheel of cheese, heating the width of it and scraping the melted layer onto the bread, see below:


A good day out though. More pictures from the outing updated on my flickr page

A forgotten bit of news from a week or so ago. We went to a 'warehouse party', the old school style parties where no one gets told where it is until 7pm on the night, then everyone turns up to a disused warehouse (Or in our case, parking lot) and makes party-like.
We went and checked it out for about an hour, but due to grandparent-esque tiredness, we only stayed for about an hour and made our way home.

It's now a balmy Monday evening and had best be getting to bed. (Read: Charlotte wants her computer back.)

Farewell for now.

J

PS: Happy birthday Mum!

Night Out

Last night went to the Slug and Lettuce in Fulham. It's a pub. A chain-pub.
Horrible place.
Imagine 900 decibels of the worst music you could imagine, including a dance remix of Bon Jovi, Ace Of Base and way more other junk. Full of pissed annoying Aussies too.
On the upside I saw a pair of midget twins that looked like oompa loompas. I wanted to knit them tiny suits and make them sing and dance. Charlotte said this would probably not be an appropriate thing to do. She's so wise.

Going to the Borough markets this weekend and starting to look for a new house as we're sick of our current shoebox.

Fear not, exciting things on the horizon. Which translates to less boredom for you, my weary readers.

As they say in England,

Bye.

Oh, also:

I've uploaded more photos to Flickr, do drop by and check them out:

Super Awesome Radness!

And that my friends, is goodnight.

No, he doesn't understand...

Some things that make me smile a bit inside are when you hear people try to explain things to children.
The 'thing' in this instance was a surrealist piece which basically was an old iron with a row of nails sticking through the bottom of it.

A mother is explaining to her (I'm guesing) 6 year old what surrealism is. She used the words 'silly' and 'not real' alot.
The kid looked confused. Mum was eager to explain away this confusion, which surprisingly only served to further befuddle the child.

Nice work lady. Most six year olds brain's melt when they try to assemble their new lego space ship and here you are giving your 'sweet little Charles' a lesson in 1920's surrealism. Way to ruin your child's life.

And that's why rich women who think they're art buffs because they joined an advanced long-stitching class shouldn't have children.

Another valuable lesson from Jeremy.™

(Yes, I found the trademark symbol shortcut. I apologise now for its blatant overuse in future posts.)

News from Jeremy

Not much unfortunately.
Finally been paid. Monthly pay is the root of all evil. Closely followed by carrots which many still believe are THE roots of evil. Bad vegetable joke there, sorry.
I've just finished up at a judging session for our Design Effectiveness Awards. Very interesting and enlightening experience. Met the CEO of Cobra Beer, the Nokia brand manager and Adidas' marketing director, or something.
Anyways, lots of important people with interesting views on design and other things. Meanwhile, Jeremy is off to the side with the mother of all colds, politely interrupting the proceedings with sneezes and coughs. Way to make an impression, loser.
Anyways, enough self depreciation.
Sitting in an internet cafe near Charlotte's work, waiting for her to finish ( I got an early mark- w00t!)
So, over the last couple of weeks, things that have happened include:

1) Pinner, Lisa and Aleisha have all found houses in the local area- Pinner and Lisa live a 5 minute walk from Cahrlotte and I, so have been catching up with them a bit.
Also went to Camden market with them on Saturday. Went to the Hawley Arms, which those of you well versed in the language of rock would know is a haunt of the White Stripes, Amy Winehouse (Who I hate)and other such luminaries. Probably. Exciting times...ish.

2) I was involved in my first event last week up in the glorious town of Leicester. Leicester is kind of like Shepparton. Enough said.
The event was good though. The guy who spoke branded the BBC and came second in the pitch for the London 2012 Olympics job, which has caused some major issues over here.
So was very interesting to gain some insight into such current matters.

3) I don't know why I write lists cos I can never think of any more than 2 points.

4) Ok, another point. (Phew) Might have picked up some weekend work trimming trees. Thanks to Cam Rae for providing me with years (ish) of experience. I think in England, if you have 4 teeth, can recite your name on command and don't soil yourself every time someone says 'hello', you're overqualified. For anything.

5)-Yes, I'm remembering more things now- Saw The Simpsons movie on Wednesday night. It was awesome. Especially Spider pig.

6) Just so you all know. In the supermarket, you can buy Polish foods. Unfortunately the name of this is emblazoned across the front. For some reason, instead of anglicising the names into something vaguely edible-sounding they've opted for Klopsy, Pulpety and Flaki. Seriously. And that's the story of why Polish Chef's get beaten up.
Is that not the most disgusting sounding food you've ever heard of. Pulpety. Klopsy. It sounds like biological field notes for animal refuse.

7) Which reminds me, bought tickets to go and see Bill Bailey at Wembley Stadium. Can't wait. But will have to as it's in November. I'm excited though.

Not much else to report on... Oh, half the country's under water. And people are being warned of Cholera and stuff. But that's out in the country bits, not London. But still, pretty bad from a supposed world-leader.

Also, I want to go to see Transformers but Charlotte won't come. Apparently it's not the sort of film that girls are into. How can girls not be impressed by a movie about giant transforming robots that are fighting over earth?
Weird.

Anyways, once I'm less ill and more into getting out and doing stuff, I shall write more rubbish for you.

Sincerely,

me.

DEFCON 2, apparently.

Well, it would seem things here in London have been rather tense. What with all the car bombs, burning cars... Actually come to think of it, maybe this isn't a religious or political thing that's going on here. Perhaps there's another group out there. A heartless evil group of fundamentalist car haters. Being typically egocentric humans, we presume that someone is attacking us, however I posit that there's some people who have deep rooted disdain for automobiles. And maybe nails, they seem to be trying to blow up a lot of nails. If I was a builder, I'd be locking my shed and issuing a press statement declaring that the shed and general back yard area has been moved up to 'Orange Status'. Whatever that means. I think when they declare 'Orange Status', a fleet of snoopy old ladies with push basket thingys go out and start reporting meaningless things as illegal activity... perhaps prompting raids by, oh, I don't know.. Immigration?
Anyways, I can find this as funny as I like, the truth of the matter is it's pretty close to home. About 20 mins after I left Hammersmith tube station to go to work yesterday, a 'suspicious package' was reported at Hammersmith Station, then isolated, then exploded by the trusty bomb squad.
Turns out, the package had nothing in it. Except puppies. Man, was it messy. OK, so it wasn't full of puppies, but it does show how alert everyone is at the moment.
Mind you, life seems to go on as per usual. I do feel pretty safe and it's that packed on the tube when I catch it, I doubt anyone would be able to move enough to get their hand in their pocket to trigger any kind of device; I can't even get my iPod out of my jeans.
I guess, all I can say is fear not, I shall survive.
Also, Charlotte and I both have full-time work and as such will now be able to do more touristy things, like go to the Tower of London, which we did on Sunday.
Tower of London was awesome. It's so alien to stand in a building, or look at a fortress wall that has been there for 900 years.
All Australia had 900 years ago was bark canoes and some woomeras. Which is culturally rich in it's own right, but nowhere near as interesting (in my opinion) as murder, witch-hunts, deceit, wars and giant diamonds.
Oh yeah and Adam Hills was really funny the other weekend too. I'd recommend going to see him, or at least watching Spicks and Specks. And some trivia: He has a prosthetic leg. Not for fun, but for walking and possibly kicking purposes! Wow. I'm like the Guinness Book of Rubbish.
Charlotte says to mention I am getting a hair cut this weekend as i am beginning to alienate people as they can't see my face for my hair.
So yes, soon I will be more streamlined and less microphone-y.

PS: Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes/presents. You rock. Like a chair that rocks.

Things you thought you'd never hear.

Thye office I work in is quite small... There's 6 people, open plan stylez. Yup, stylez.
For a small office we have a lot of weird shit happen. You know when sometimes you say or hear things and think 'I don't think I'll ever hear that again in my life.'?
Well I had at least three o0f those moments this week.

1) 'I've told them about this before; bill it to the Russians.'

2) 'Yes, the Koreans are coming in for a meeting tomorrow.'

3) 'So she said, sure, we'll look after the Chinese ambassador's daughter for a few days.'

Anyone would think I worked in the National Office of Communist Empathisers.
But no, this is at the Design Business Association...
It turns out too, that it was Good Korea, not Bad Korea that came in for the meeting. They were so nice that they actually brought gifts including a nifty cap with the Korean Design Association logo emblazoned on the front and the words 'Korean Power' embroidered on the side. Awesome. Makes me feel all fervent and nationalistic. Or something.
I also got taken off my contract with the DBA this week and offered a permanent position as Events Coordinator, which is awesome. I get to travel all over England and Scotland organising events and other such things for designers... Should be interesting, especially considering my complete lack of events management experience, but they seem confident I'll pick it up ok.
If I'm unemployed in a week, you'll know I've failed.
Meh, I'm rambling...
Charlotte and I are going to see (or have planned to at this point anyway)Adam Hills tonight. He's the guy off Spicks and Specks. Should be funny I think.
Haven't done much else- Fulfilled my life's dream of sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus last weekend. Saw the sights and took a heap of photos which I'll upload to my flickr page when I get a chance.
More exciting posts to come in the near future. (fingers crossed)

Krishnas And Other Things

I'm writing again.
Hello.
Have been busy with work, organising an Internation Design Awards thingy among a million billion other things.
Still not a great deal going on.
Went out for dinner/cheap cocktails on Friday night. Do not eat Mexican-English fusion food/drinks. Rubbish. But it may have made us a little tipsy. As did the cider by the thames, which was quite nice and serene.
Saturday, Charlotte's friend Bec came and stayed with us. Some more drinks. Went to the Walkabout (yes, I wasn't to keen on this idea, but was meeting people there) in the city to meet up with Sean, Dean and Matty from the snow. Was good to catch up for a few beers.
On the way out of the Walkabout, got caught in a passing joy of Hare Krishnas. I have made 'joy' the official collective noun for a group of Krishnas.
They sang (repetetively) and danced (jumped and waved) and we walked behind them. Strangely I felt no urge to shave my head and wear a toga and judging by this group of Kirshnas, a life filled with joy doesn't smell very nice.

We then went to Masala zone and had some awesome Indian. Yum.

Sunday, lay around in the local park in which we discovered there is a paddling pool. Which is awesome news, since I'm not yet adjusted to the warm weather again. Then we caught up with another friend, Nick and had more cider in the beer garden at the local. Then went out for Thai.
Good, lazy weekend.

In other news, on the way to work this morning some guy in a suit was sitting on the ground surrounded by police and paramedics. He looked really confused and kept saying 'I fell down the stairs? Did I really?'
I found that funny for some reason. He was definitely perplexed as to why all these important people were suddenly helping him..

Anyways, sorry this is such a boring post... Charlotte and I are looking at setting some dates to start travelling. We're thinking maybe Greek Islands or Spain or Ireland.
I'm sure you're all dying from the suspense (pffft), so I'll let you know as soon as we have a trip planned.

I have to go and call Pay Pal now to talk to them about fixing payment gateways on our website. Much fun.