Thursday, September 6, 2007

Dear England

Dear England,
We've been together for some time now, but I think there's something missing. I think you might be of the impression that I'm something I'm not and well, it's probably best for both of us if I'm just straigh to the point.
Some things I need you to know:

- I've never lived in Erinsborough, in fact, it doesn't even exist.

- Yes we pronounce our vowel sounds differently. It's not that funny.

- I can't do an Alf Stewart impersonation.

- Rolf Harris wasn't my high school teacher.

- I don't know the lady who got bitten by some spider, which then laid eggs which hatched from her head.

- There are sharks around the coast in Australia but we don't all get drunk and fight them.

- Kangaroos aren't that exciting.

- Surprisingly our standard of living is much better than it is in say, London.

- Australia is not comprised completely of desert and beaches.

- Not everyone lives in a corrugated iron shed.

- Wolf Creek is a fictional movie. 'Based on true events' doesn't mean shit. There's much nastier characters in England.

- Pubs in Australia are nothing like the Walkabout.

- INXS, Kylie, Jason Donovan and ACDC are not the only musicians from Australia.

Now onto you:

- Your streets smell like fart

- Your summer is what 90% of the world calls 'A cold winter'.

- Your concept of air conditioning has been labelled by some as 'Retardedly primitive'. By some, i mean me.

- Your fresh produce is misleadingly un-fresh.

- You have chain pubs. There was a better atmosphere in Auschwitz than there is in your local Wetherspoons.

- Generally your work ethic and service levels are appallingly low.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, England, is don't assume I'm something i'm not. Also, pick up your act.

I hope we an work this out as I know you're not all that bad underneath.



Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Dear Metronet/British Government.

You suck.
The both of you. Assholes.
Metronet, who maintain the tube lines over here in joyous London have gone on strike. I think it's over a payrise not being as high as initially suggested, or something to that effect.
I'm not talking about a delay on one afternoon either- This is a 3 day strike running until Thursday.
Surely the government could have stepped in at some stage and negotiated some kind of middleground, but they've allowed it to blow up into this.
Eitherway, I don't care. My tube lines aren't running anymore. And this is potentially as fatal as when a colostomy bag's tube lines aren't running. Eww.
Come to think of it there's probably more effluent in your average train carriage in London, than there is in a colostomy bag.

Anyways, what was a bearable 40 minute commute to work has now become a 1.5hr trek including much walking and two diferent overland trains. Or in the case of Charlotte last night, a 3.5hr journey spread over 3 buses and much walking.
Also, you can only imagine what the crush on the buses/trains/roads is like now.
Usually, it's a full sardine-tin setup of people jammed in, but now everyone is so jammed in, it's more like a Preswswurst situation or some kind of rank dog-food like 'Marrow in aspic' You know, the one where when you tip it out of the can and it comes out can-shaped with all the ridges and stuff still imprinted in it. Yeah, well that's what happens when the doors open on the bus- A big gelatinous blob of humans falls out the door, disassembles into fifteen people and they all head off to work.

The plus side is I'm going through places I didn't know existed. Frognal, for example.
I wonder if it was called Tadpolenal when it was just a village? Sorry, I suck. My puns are suffering at the hands of this stupid transport situation. Or more you're suffering my puns at the hands of this stupid transport situation.

This is a fair representation of the sentiment of most people in London. Caution: contains swearing, including multiple instances of the C and F words, although they are used in a most appropriate fashion.