Thursday, September 6, 2007

Dear England

Dear England,
We've been together for some time now, but I think there's something missing. I think you might be of the impression that I'm something I'm not and well, it's probably best for both of us if I'm just straigh to the point.
Some things I need you to know:

- I've never lived in Erinsborough, in fact, it doesn't even exist.

- Yes we pronounce our vowel sounds differently. It's not that funny.

- I can't do an Alf Stewart impersonation.

- Rolf Harris wasn't my high school teacher.

- I don't know the lady who got bitten by some spider, which then laid eggs which hatched from her head.

- There are sharks around the coast in Australia but we don't all get drunk and fight them.

- Kangaroos aren't that exciting.

- Surprisingly our standard of living is much better than it is in say, London.

- Australia is not comprised completely of desert and beaches.

- Not everyone lives in a corrugated iron shed.

- Wolf Creek is a fictional movie. 'Based on true events' doesn't mean shit. There's much nastier characters in England.

- Pubs in Australia are nothing like the Walkabout.

- INXS, Kylie, Jason Donovan and ACDC are not the only musicians from Australia.

Now onto you:

- Your streets smell like fart

- Your summer is what 90% of the world calls 'A cold winter'.

- Your concept of air conditioning has been labelled by some as 'Retardedly primitive'. By some, i mean me.

- Your fresh produce is misleadingly un-fresh.

- You have chain pubs. There was a better atmosphere in Auschwitz than there is in your local Wetherspoons.

- Generally your work ethic and service levels are appallingly low.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, England, is don't assume I'm something i'm not. Also, pick up your act.

I hope we an work this out as I know you're not all that bad underneath.



No comments: