Thursday, August 30, 2007

The definitive list of junk for today

1. Old lady who left her dog 6 million pounds and left two of her grandchildren none, stating in her will that 'They would know why.' Bitter to the end. i want to steal her dog. And laugh at those two grandkids who probably told her that pot-pourri stinks or something trivial like that. Cop that! All they'll be able to afford is Pot-Poor-ie! Ha! Bam!

2. I have (somewhat) brown, short hair.

3. Spam makes me feel inadequate. Today i got one that said 'Join the Real Men's club' It was for penis pills. I remain an outsider of the 'Real Men's club'

4. Look at this guy:

Spam sometimes makes me feel extremely adequate.
Although that guy clearly is wearing a wedding ring... Puzzling. Imagine being married to the Spam guy. I bet he could 'Spice' up a relationship. Oh, z!ng.

5. Our new landlord reminds me of an high school art teacher. As in a little bit jilted and slightly high.

6. Balsamic sauce and soy sauce are stored in similar looking bottles. This is bad as adding balsamic to a stirfry really ruins the meal. I learnt this recently.

7. If you ignore people you don't like, they seldom go away. Unless they're trapped in quicksand. If you ignore them then, they'll definitely go away.

8. Vaccuum cleaners need to be emptied occasionally. The one at our new place blew up on the weekend. Upon closer inspection, the dust catcher had so much shit jammed in there, it looked like someone had rolled up a mattress and jammed it in. Likewise with the backup vaccuum... It too contained enough lint to fill a million fat men's bellybuttons.

9. Ikea in England is like AIDS in Africa. No matter where you go, there's some trace of Ikea in every house. We contributed to the epidemic recently (The Ikea one, not the AIDS one) by purchasing some of the more tasteful items they offer.

10. Being shat on by a bird is god's way of saying 'You look really nice, but I'm jealous.'

11. I should apologise for my terrible, terrible puns. Sorry

I have to go back to work now.


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